What Life Doesn’t Teach Us About Loss

Losing a loved one can bring up overwhelming, and sometimes, unexpected emotions. It can also evoke physical, cognitive, or at times, spiritual reactions. To some, the experience can be really difficult to work through, and to others, it may feel a little easier to do so. Factors such as faith, culture, tradition and past experiences can affect and shape our reaction to loss.

Through informal interviews, ATIC was able to learn about people’s response patterns towards talking about death. The most evident response was a quick “God forbid!” and a tendency to avoid the conversation altogether. So we asked ourselves, why have we become fearful of bringing up the idea of death? We know that death is an inevitable part of life. It is the natural end to all human beings, and yet, we often can’t bring ourselves to openly share our thoughts, feelings, wishes and opinions about it.

According to a report published by BBC, generations ago, people were much more likely to talk about death. This is because death was more common (due to incidents of maternal deaths and infant mortality, sickness and disease). Not only was it more common, the care for those who were dying often took place at home. After the World War II, death has become less familiar with the rise of the welfare state, and consequentially, when people began to pass away in medical settings. Our relationship with death, therefore, has clearly shifted over the years to become a more distant one. So what can we do to re-embrace the inevitability of death and to ease the process of confronting it.

Where do we start?

Understanding the process

For such a universal experience, researchers still struggle to unify the process of loss and grief. The impossibility of predicting our responses to loss stem from our different cultural, religious and ideological orientations. Having said that, current research offers us an inside look onto what happens to the brain in reaction to loss. When the person perceives the loss is as significant enough, the connection between the limbic system and frontal cortex is interrupted and therefore affects our decision making process, concentration levels and emotional processing.

It is also important to keep in mind that there is no specific way to grieve for the loss of a loved one. Sometimes, societal expectations may place a pressure onto the grieving process, this is true especially in collectivistic societies. When the authenticity of someone’s grief is compromised, the probability of experiencing a healthy process becomes likely. So what does healthy grieving look like? According to psychologist J. W. Worden the process can be divided into four tasks:

• To accept the reality of the loss.
• To work through and process the pain of the grief.
• To adjust to life without the deceased.
• To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life.

Giving your emotions a voice

After loss, it is easy to get carried away with taking care of logistical and practical adjustments. In some cases, we tend to distract ourselves with daily tasks in order avoid the confrontation of difficult emotions. It is important to find pockets within the day where you are able to listen to your emotions. Kick starting this habit can be challenging, but there are many ways to do so.
For example, art making can be a wonderful way to help make sense of loss and to externalize the different emotions that you may be holding. Allow yourself to express, without the burden of creating something that is aesthetically beautiful. You can also try other expressive outlets such as journaling, dance and movement, sports…etc. It is important to follow the emotional release with a component of conscious reflection where you are able to recognize, honor and process the emotion.

Refraining your negative self talk

“There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief” Aeschylus
Some of the emotions you may experience while grieving can take you by surprise. At some points, you might feel relief, or perhaps acceptance. A lot of people might experience shame when such ‘positive emotions’ surface. “I am not supposed to be okay” is often the thought that comes to mind. It is important to recognize that this is your inner critic talking; it is natural (and expected) to go through such stages. By adjusting to someone’s loss, you are not minimizing what they meant to you, rather, you are integrating the loss – with all that it holds – into your reality.

Finding solace in support

A strong social support system can help you process a lot of your grief. Confiding in friends and family members about how you authentically feel can be a powerful way to make sense of the loss. Often, we get held back by the fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing”. Remind yourself that people grieve differently and for different lengths of time; there is no right or wrong. It is also really important to recognize when you need further support. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety or difficulties in separating from the person who died, you might consider grief therapy. Grief therapy can:

• Provide a safe space (with no judgments nor expectations) where you can confront and process experienced emotions.
• Enhance your ability to cope and adjust to grief related changes.
• Offer an objective lens that can support in the reduction of feelings of shame and self-criticism.
• Allow for a healthy integration of memories and current reality, and in turn facilitate acceptance.

Helpful Resources

http://barbarafane.com/grief-symptoms-how-grief-affects-the-brain/
https://www.ted.com/playlists/241/new_ways_to_think_about_death
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief
http://www.bbc.co.uk/guides/zsy34j6

Artworks created in response to loss.